Being an obedient rule-follower by nature has gotten me into trouble. That darned Golden Rule. I’ve always followed it. I’ve often wished I hadn’t. Ultimately, I decided that as an Aspie, my Golden Rule is this: Do NOT do onto others as you wish they would do unto you. Below are my reasons why:
Breaking up over the phone. Apparently people don’t like this. Me? I’d take it over a face-to-face dump any day. The last thing I want to worry about while getting the axe is an audience. Scratch that. The last thing I want worry about is trying to maintain conversation immediately after getting said axe. Hanging up right after the news is out allows us both to mourn in peace. A text dump is even better yet. To all you former suitors left stunned and bewildered with the dead air of a disconnected phone call in your ear – I did it for you.
Thank you cards. Seriously, do neurotypical people actually like these? Receiving a hand-written letter in the mail is the best thing ever. Immediately finding out it’s a sucky thank you card? The worst. I would never inflict this disappointment upon you. Not sending you a thank you card is my way of saying thanks.
The handshake. Please, Americans – either do it all the time or don’t do it all. This confusing sometimes hand-shaking thing is for the birds. To those of you who have enjoyed my thoughtful gesture of dropping eye contact and shoving my hands in my pockets upon meeting you, you’re welcome! I spared you the ambiguity and unease.
Reacting to your news about the death of a loved one with an amusing anecdote about myself. Many would say this is where I display my brazen lack of empathy. But nothing could be more empathetic! Because in my mind, there is no torture greater than having to feel in front of someone. The more profound the feeling, the more privacy I need. So, as your whole life falls to pieces and I prattle on about that balloon animal I tried to make that ended up looking like a penis, please don’t feel alone. I’m comforting you.
Have any Golden Rule attempts blown up in your face? Please share below!
The Golden Rule is just a trap for autistic people. The real neurotypical golden rule seems to be, “Do unto others before they do unto you.” Autistic kids should be taught different golden rules, or else they might take that stuff seriously, like I did for so long.
A trap! Strong word, but oh, so true. I do think autistic kids need their own set of golden rules.
(Please read as if hand written and dropped in the mail) Dear Kirsten, Thank you for addressing the awkwardness of the handshake. Aren’t hugs that much more confusing? And as far as penis balloons go… I’m in tears laughing. Thank you for the post.
Thank you, Mark! And YES! Hugs are infinitely more confusing.
Hi Mark!
I love, love, love hugs!!!
But they should not be casual things (cheek kisses too)!
I am the worlds most awkaward slightly-more-intimate-then-handshake-time hugger and cheek kisser in the world.
I dont know what to do, I dont know how to do them…..
They should be restricted too children, and people who you love like siblings….
Had to comment, was reflecting on all my akward hug giving while reading about handshakes…
oxox Hannah
“slightly-more-intimate-then-handshake-time hugger and cheek kisser in the world” – LOL!
I love hugs but not surprise ones
I loved this. What would I do without you to infuse laughter into the syndrome? SOmetimes I take it all too seriously but it is very very funny! I enjoyed this immensely. I started laughing when someone told me a relative died…not because I was happy but because I was sad but did not want to cry- so I did the next closest thing ( as my laugh sounds like my cry) I was in soooo much trouble!
Thank you, Kmarie! While autism can suck in many ways (I find the related health issues to be very unfunny) I do think there are lots of hilarious aspects. Especially with regards to how we interact with people. I think people suck at understanding each other in general – let’s face it, NTs are no better at understanding us than we are at understanding them. In that disconnect lives so much comedy!
I cannot tell you how many times I’ve laughed inappropriately. I think I laughed virtually every time I got in trouble as a kid. I can still hear my mom saying, “Wipe that smirk off your face!” LOL.
Okay, this is why I have subscribed to your blog, because you deal with humour about things that sometimes just plain fucking hurt when it comes to the disconnect between NTs and Aspies. My sense of humour has buggered off a little recently with health and anxiety stuff, so yay for finding you
Thanks especially for the last anecdote about reacting to someone displaying their painful feelings to you and you reacting with penis balloon references
I don’t know if my partner (Aspie) feels the same way when I (NT with some Aspie tendendencies – except for here) want to talk about my painful stuff. But you explaining why – that you’re feeling empathically overloaded, rather than you don’t give a shit – is really helpful.
Do you think that that whole “lack of empathy” thing is one of the most misunderstood elements about being an Aspie?
Susieq – I absolutely think the lack of empathy thing is a very misunderstood aspect of Asperger’s. I can’t speak for all Aspies, but I can say that I the Aspies in my life suffer from empathy overload rather than an empathy void. I think it’s complicated, though. In my experience, there are many factors contributing to the empathy myth.
Sometimes I appear to lack empathy because I’m so deep in thought that I’m not listening (my husband has to put his hand on my shoulder to get my attention & pull me out of this). Sometimes I appear insensitive because I would react so differently from whatever NT I’m trying to comfort, that I’m taking the wrong approach (see Why the Golden Rule Can Suck It for better explanation of that). It’s a multi-faceted issue for me.
ha. I love it! Though you’ve left me feeling o-so-very neuro-typical right now
thanks for the amusing insights into other ways of seeing things!
Thanks, Outrunning the storm! I had a feeling this post would leave a few people feeling very neurotypical! LOL.
it’s awesome. I appreciate the glimpse. No matter how much I want my mind to be open, I still can’t see outside my own way of experiencing the world without insights like this. So every time I hear things like this, I like to think is one less possible moment with my son where I scratch my head and think ‘I don’t get it’
I think it’s great that you’re trying to “get it.” Not all parents do that & your son is very lucky!
Thank you. It’s so nice to read about other people’s experience with rules. I don’t like handshakes. I laugh when a nerve has been hit or I’m nervous — some mistake this at flippant or mocking — I’m just trying to survive the conversation. I have an annoying nervous giggle, that was cute when I was ten, but now….lol
I love the word choice in “survive the conversation.” It sure feels that that sometimes, doesn’t it?
Funny- I was in SOOOO much trouble for not sending out thank you cards after my wedding. I finally sent them out because so many people harassed me. Then my sister in law still gave me crap for sending them out late. Dear lord, I did not understand the big deal. Did they really give me the gifts just to get a crappy thank you card in the mail??? I give gifts because I want to give someone something, not to get a card!!
The one I always get in trouble for is that somehow I am supposed to kiss someone’s ass because they have a certain title. If they are an idiot, they are an idiot, I don’t care what their business card, resume, or CV says they know. They usually misrepresent facts on them anyways!!
Thanks for posting. Always wondered why I was in the minority about thank you cards. now I know
LOL
“If they are an idiot, they are an idiot” – ha! I am so with you on this one.
Delightful post! I can relate to inappropriate funreal reactions. A longtime best friend is schizophrenic. The two of us rode in the family limo to the gravesite after a very somber funeral service for her Grandmother. The two of us made “Grandma” jokes all the way to the cemetary. The hilarity continued all the way through the remainer of the services.
We loved her deeply and discussed her daily for months and months. Our reactions might have been unexpected, but our love was genuine. Grandma would have been happy.
I am glad to have that moment return to me, thank you for the post!
Thanks A Quiet Week! Inappropriate funeral reactions are my superpower. It sounds like your love for your Grandma is very genuine, and I’m glad you get to enjoy the moment all over again.
That’s awesome
“Breaking up over the phone.”
I have serious phone anxiety. Please email me and we will be fine. Face to face ick!
“Thank you cards.”
Oh, my goodness I have gotten in so much trouble for not sending thank you cards. I don’t want any thank you cards. Why would I want to send them to others? I got a lecture from my mother-in-law and step mom about this one. Blah!
“The handshake.”
I wrote a poem titled “Hand Shake” I REALLY despise them. No Touchy!
“Reacting to your news about the death of a loved one with an amusing anecdote about myself.”
OMG! Thank you for sharing this. My card is in the mail. NOT! (Ha ha ha I just said “NOT”) I say the worst things in bad, or sad situations so I try to stay quiet or I tell them that I will say something wrong and they need to forgive me ahead of time.
I get really freaked out if people are anywhere near my food, or my water. If anyone comes near it I cannot eat or drink it and I have to get a new plate/cup or I don’t eat/drink. One night my mother-in-law and father-n-law were in the kitchen with us and they hovered over our food. I quite loudly said: DON’T BREATHE ON MY FOOD!” Um…yeah, that didn’t go over very well. I was very angry at the fact that somehow I was wrong when I still to this day think it is wrong to hover over anyone’s food. It just seems very rude. I would like to say they are the only ones I have done that to, but no, anyone near my food/drink gets a yelling at to get away. I have no control it is an automatic reaction.
Hee hee
I have to see that “Handshake” poem. And then I want to read a poem called “Don’t Breathe on my Food.” I love your response – thanks for sharing!
“Hand Shake” was one of my first attempts at writing about these types of things in a poem, but I think the words are pretty clear.
http://mindretrofit7.wordpress.com/2011/01/29/hand-shake/
Lol! I hadn’t even thought of writing a poem about not breathing on my food. I think I may try that!
This is such a great post! I got in trouble with golden rule many times growing up, because I would try to enforce it. I would do “nice” things for people, in the hopes that people would do the same for me. And when they didn’t, I would be upset, because that wasn’t fair! I would also get upset when people did nasty things, because they were breaking the golden rule. As a very rules focused person, it was highly confusing. I can’t come up with any good examples now though I know I have a bunch. I’ll add another comment if I come up with something “brilliant”.
But I LOVED this post!
Thank you, E! I am so with you on the fair thing. I’m only finally starting to grow out of that one (I’m 36), but it took figuring out I had Asperger’s to do it. Fortunately, my son had a bunch on picture books on people skills at around the same time, so I was able to start reframing the whole fairness thing. It’s definitely in my wiring, though & “That’s not fair!” is frequently my first reaction.
Thanks for sharing!
Oh I love you LOL!
Thank you, Fi!
Great post! The handshake is such a big deal….especially when people insist on KISSING you too! In my culture, it is normal to give people three kisses on the cheek. This is the most horrible thing ever! They come into MY space, with their pouted lips, and you HAVE TO reciprocate…..it is a nerve-wracking thing for me. So a couple of years ago I started telling people I don’t kiss. It has helped, but it is still not completely avoidable. I should really stand my ground more on this subject. You’ve encouraged me to do so….starting today I will not be carelessly kissed by semi-friends. Thank you!
Good for you! What country are you in?
I lived in Spain for a while and they did the two kisses. I didn’t mind it as much as the handshake because it was consistent. It was all air kisses – I would have been grossed out by wet kisses. Nobody actually made contact.
Brazil was a difficult place to live as an Aspie because they all thought that if I was alone I was lonely. If I was alone at a coffee shop trying to read a book, about a hundred people would sit down to chat! LOL. Sweetest people on earth. But, oh so different from me.
I’m glad you’ll be standing your ground with the kisses.
Thanks for sharing!
I live in the Netherlands. I find the kissing so very intimidating, partly because NOT EVERYONE does it. I like clear rules: yes or no to kissing. (Preferably no). I understand what you mean by the Brazilians always wanting to involve ‘lonely people’. I live in the south of my country, and we’re considered very ‘social’….so no rest and peace and quiet for this who want to go somewhere alone.
Hi. I wonder sometimes if there isn’t a gray area… not on the spectrum but not totally neuro-typical either because honestly I have been around for 46 years and people confuse the hell out of me.
Example. “Let’s do lunch.”
Why do people say this if they really don’t want to have lunch?
I went to lunch with this lady friend several times and then she called me one day and before the conversation ended she said, “We should do lunch again.” I said, “That would be fun. I am free next Tuesday or Thursday.” She responded, and I swear this is exactly what she said, “I don’t mean we should really have lunch every time I say that.” I was like, WTF. I decided right then and there I didn’t want anything to do with her. I didn’t want to spend my time with her deciding when she did or did not mean what she said!
What?! That is so confusing! I know I’m Aspie, but I could swear do lunch means to go out to lunch. That’s a good one – thanks for sharing!
I’m farily certain that I’m autistic and I love thank you cards, both sending and receiving! They make explicit to me things that I don’t really get if they remain implicit. Thank you cards differentiate between disposable ‘thank you’s for things such as passing people the salt, and genuine gratitude. I really love codes of manners, they make things much more manageable for me, as they tell me what I should do, and what I can expect from people in return.
I get really upset when people treat their own actions as ‘how autistic people behave’ rather than they, as an autistic person behave in a specific situation. Its shit like that which stops people from getting diagnosises if their autism manifests itself in less stereotypical ways.
I can understand why you would like manners, OllieFace. I wouldn’t have thought of it that way before, but they do provide a nice framework.
Before my diagnosis, all the different manifestations of autism tripped me up. I kept thinking there was no way I had Asperger’s because I was not like the kid on Parenthood. I even heard people say that Aspies were very diverse, but it didn’t sink in. Now that I’m more involved in the Aspie community, it blows my mind how varied we are!
“Look at me when I’m talking to you”- why? I don’t listen to you with my eyes and turning my head so my ear is closer means I can actually hear you better anyway.
I feel the same way, Charley! I can NOT focus on what the person is saying when I look at them. I’ve thought about it a lot lately, and I think I translate words into pictures in my mind & when I’m staring at eyes, I can’t see those pictures. Whatever the reason, I listen best if I don’t look.
Interesting, I have the opposite problem. Whenever someone isn’t looking at me, I can never tell if they are interested in what I am saying or want me to stop. I need constant feedback when I talk because my mother silenced me so much as a child.
as a “normie” with a little sister who aften does some of these things reading through all of this has actually been very useful. Sadly she never really tells me what is going on in her head (i understand that this is a big ask but I think I would find it easier if she explained afterwards! Usually I’m left to deal with the confused, embarressing, socially awkward aftermath). So for your really close normie friends.relatives who sometimes have to pick up the socially destroyed pieces, giving them a heads up or a breakdown of what happened afterwards would be good. Reading through a lot of the above there seems to a lot of really good reasons and frustration.
{Btw: Unless followed up by anthe suggestion of an immediate date, or someone pulling out a diary or something straight away (or some other signal of saying lets sort a date right now) “Let’s do lunch” means: “I enjoyed this time with you, so I’d probably like to do this again some time in the future, but not right now I can’t be bothered thinking about when because there is no urgent reason for meeting up with you, but I don’t want to be rude or make you feel like I don’t want to see you again in the future, so I’ll just be vague and we can both understand that this friendship isn’t going to be one of us spending loads of time together.” If on facebook or something like that later they suggest a date that’s cool, but you should wait for that signal, and in the meantime just reply with “Yes that’d be really nice” I hope that helps.}
Great comment, Beth. I love your explanation of “Let’s do lunch.” I truly had no idea that I was misunderstanding that all this time. I always thought, “Yeah! This person wants to have lunch with me!”
Thank you for explaining the ‘Let’s do lunch’ thing!
i don’t believe much in thank you
cards either. too much etiquette! i can
always say i’m esl (language & culture).
also, i’ve laughed at inappropriate times too
and have been wrongfully misconstrued!
hilarious post!
Ha! I love how you always say, “I’m ESL,” yet you’re this extraordinarily prolific & talented writer…in English!
Hahahaha! I seriously just about peed in my pants!!
Exactly! I agree with everything! Especially the thank you note. I am always so disappointed with a thank you note. I would much rather open a lovely little note than a reminder of what I already did and what they probably already said thank you for!
Oh my this is my first comment as I just found this blog and being the ever diligent aspie will read it in the entirety before sleeping, but I certainly feel touched by so much here like someone robbed my journals or has been peeking at my life …. The last bit about comforting someone in mourning seems so reasonable, it’s that false conformity to the NT crazy land that makes me realize that behavior might be misunderstood, but only that night reviewing the day would I realize it, or perhaps over an argument with my embarrassed NT husband and he grabs my hand and we quickly go home and he rants about how he can’t take me anywhere or have me around people.
Ps If I’ve never touched you don’t touch me or I will make a scene, why insist on this, it’s creepy … When did you last wash your hands or pick your nose ?
Thanks for your comment, Winnowedsoul! It’s always great to find other Aspie women with NT husbands – we are a rare breed!